Hipsters Need to Die Part 1

Alrighty so been a while since I posted and this is only a short one.

So I went to a coffee shop in Balaclava yesterday, it looked appealing from the outside and i must admit that as pretentious as it looked, the coffee was good. So there I was standing about in trackpants and a Canada looking bogan-riffic when it starts to dawn on me, the one coffee shop on Carlisle St I decided to pick was ENTIRELY populated by Hipsters.

Scum of The Earth

 

Now if this alone didn't infuriate me enough (neither did the tacky 70's shirts and felt vests) it dawned on me that Hipster's have stolen one of the coolest things in existence. A curled mustache. I realised this while the barista was bitching at me that my flat white was done and he had free-trade soy latte's to make. I had been too busy staring pure hatred at 2 Hipsters in particular that had come over and invaded my personal hate-bubble.

GTFO. I'll cut you.

 

 Now one of these Hipsters had a ratty-ass beard that they seem to adopt like homeless people with fleas and the other had adopted the well rounded curled mustache. This sparked my rage in an enormous way because it was at this moment I realized that I had been curling my mustache for a while and people must assume I'm a Hipster. I felt sick to my stomach and wanted to tear it off his face whisker by whisker. But being the gentleman that I am I simply shot glare daggers at him, took my non-free-trade tasty as fuck coffee and left.

Come flash that 'stache at me again cunt

 

This inspired me to decide TO TAKE A STAND! The Hipsters can't win this one, I am personally bringing the curled mo back to civilized (well as civilized as I can be) society! I shan't wear this in an 'Ironic' way (sorry Alanis) I shall wear it as a statement of  'Fuck Hipsters' and I invite anyone who will join me in this gallant effort to speak up! (Curled mustache not required but will win big brownie points in my good books)

This man is a Hero

 

Anywho Shitbags, rant 1 of my Hipster hatred is over. Stay tuned for more in the series of 'Hipsters need to Die'... I should start a petition to cull Hipsters in mass numbers... Does anyone know of a badly ventilated vegan cafe I can pull a Hitler in? Fuck it, let's just make every Wednesday 'Slap a Hipster Day'

Checkout Chicks

This isn't so much of a rage article this is more of a pet hate. Some Checkout Chicks i LOVE! Like the big Samoan woman down at our local coles, Tina. I LOVE TINA!! She is the best checkout chick EVER! She is always happy and smiley and always pretends to be interested when i tell her about my day.

Do you have flyby's Sir?

 

But Tina aside, there is always some dumb bitch that scans something wrong or she cant decide whether the '8 item per bag' rule applies to tins of tuna. She will never give you the correct change and will always need to announce something over the intercom to the entire store to let them know that your 'Extra Heavy Flow' Tampax aren't scanning properly. This chick annoys the hell out of me. This chick makes me want to drive the skewers I'm buying for my chicken sticks so far into my eardrum that I pass out from a self induced lobotomy.

 Why am I at Coles again?

 

Oh and while I am on the subject of not scanning things right what is with these new 'Self Scan' machines? They NEVER get shit right. Whenever I go to my local supermarket now the supervisor will stand next to me and scan their little employee card thing every time the machine hates on me. I thought these things were smart and were supposed to make my trip to the supermarket easier and less heinous. They never weigh the shit right, they never have the produce in that little fucking touch-screen shit they call a menu either.

Everyone of us (hermits aside) have had to encounter these machines at some point within the past few years. Anyone liked them? If you have contact me and I will YELL AT YOU FOR BEING AN IDIOT! This is the first step in the machines taking over the world! Not really, but they are particularly hateful machines.

4 Differences Between 'Gamer Gurlz' and 'Girl Gamers'

 Today we have a special guest post from non other than our resident Zombie Voodoo Priest, Teddi Vii. Hope you enjoy.

4 differences between “Gamer Gurls” and Girl Gamers everyone should know.

If you’re a male between 19 and 35, chances are you’re aware of the recent phenomena that roughly 45% of gamers nowadays are female. No longer is the stereotype that gamers are fat, asthmatic, pimply faced teens living in their parents’ basement true. No, now we gamers can come out of the closet (so to speak) and expose our pasty delicate skin and sensitive eyes to the general public as equals.
There’s just one problem. Like all popular genres, you get fakes/wannabes/try hards that just don’t understand how foolish they look. In this instance it appears girls just want to have fun (Fuck you Cyndi Lauper), whether they know what they’re talking about or not. Here are some basic ways to tell them apart.

Sun....light?

4: Know Your Games
Starting right off with an obvious one, if you’re a real gamer, be it guy or girl, you’ll spot the flaws in any conversation that begins with “OH EM GEE I LOVE Zelda! Bulbasaur is my favourite!”. Umm what?

I choose you! Pikachu!

But sometimes the mistakes are more subtle. For instance, have you ever spoken to somebody about a game they proposedly SAID that they like, only to have them add no input to the conversation? Likely they waited until the end of your sentence, guessed half the last word and said it with you, nodding approvingly and blinking madly like Kristen Stewart on meth, to make it sound like that was what they were going to say all along?

Bitch I know your clueless.

Next time you think someone is doing that, test them (Unless they have a blinking and nodding disorder then it is likely they are in fact Kristen Stewart). Ask them if they’ve defeated the giant mushroom boss at the end of Starfox. If they know you’re bluffing, then you have a girl in front of you who spent her childhood on a Super Nintendo and not having friends. You should propose then and there (It is likely she still doesn’t have friends and desperately needs the company). If they answer with a yes, then I’m sorry, but she is only pretending to be a gamer because she’s legitimately interested in you and is pretending to be like you so you’ll find her attractive.

  Oh. She is interested in my incessant rambling.

3: Her Social Life
What is one thing that still holds true for the gamer stereotype? Is it that we’re all fat? No. are we are anti-social? Is it that we all have some form of mental disability? Quite the opposite. Do we game because we can’t get laid? No, for most.

Not all typical gamers have Aspergers anymore

No, the only part of the original stereotype that still holds true is the fact that as gamers we spend a lot of time indoors (Developing our illustrious white skin). That’s where we are to play the games, after all. We socialise with our friends via headsets and chatpads, while working together to brutally murder the shit of every goblin between us and the loot at the lowest level of the dungeon. It takes a bond of trust and friendship to make it through alive and with equal share of gold and equipment. How is that so different from having friends you see face to face? It’s really no different at all (Minus the human to human contact). Which is my point. If your lady friend counts her BFF’s by whom she can trust with her World of Warcraft account, then you’ve got a gamer. But if she only considers her friends to be the ones she gets drunk with on half strength tequila at her favourite girly bar, then I’ve got some bad news.

Normal girls hang out at lesbian bars right?

I’m not suggesting gamers can’t go out – I’m saying they don’t want to. Any hard-core gamer reading this will agree that spending a night doubling your gold income because you’ve created a farming macro on your favourite MMO is way more fun than spending time in a smelly, hot room with ear splitting noise surrounded by people who wouldn’t touch your privates anyway (Unless that’s your thing).

Hey Suzie. You look ready for questing, how about we farm for gold in your lush fields… Suzie? SUZIE!

The point I’m trying to make is that gamers do have a social life. They interact with their friends, they share their stuff, they agree on who their favourite celebrities are and they go on murder sprees together, just like friends IRL (in real life, for you “Gamer Gurls” out their), only they do it using gorgeous avatars and badass weapons.

Who wants to come on a Murder Spree down at the local mall with me?

2: How She Plays:
Reading the title to this segment, a lot of you will immediately assume I am referring to skill and proceed to jump on the bandwagon of hatred and roll on down the road of misunderstanding.
I totally get that some people suck at games. Me, for instance. I’m a hard-core gamer. Not to brag (But i totally am) I’ve clocked Diablo 1, 2 and 3. I know more about Halo than anybody else I know. And as I’m typing this I have the biggest urge to abandon this fucking article and buy more characters on League of Legends in the hope to finally find a character that balances archery and magic just perfectly for a strong ranged char- I’m going off track a little.

Archery is my wet-dream

I totally get that some gamers suck at games. That’s why we have support roles and healers (Lulz n00bs). I rock at role playing games, digital or otherwise (Yes, D&D, Warhammer and Magic: the Gathering still exist)...(And for those that didn’t know ‘Digital’ is a game not on computers). But I absolutely SUCK BALLS at FPS (First Person Shooters like CoD, Battlefield and yes, even Halo) games, despite how much I like them. So calling a Girl Gamer fake just because her kill/death ratio isn’t up to par with your best-friend-that-literally-does-nothing-but-play-that-specific-game isn’t quite right.

            Though, if she kicks pixelated ass, you can assume she’s legit.

While playing, let’s say, ‘Call of Battlefield: Company Ops 3’, if after every death, your lady friend laughs, giggles, and/or says “Lol oh well, this isn’t the game I usually play anyway” – run. All true gamers adapt to whatever they’re playing, whether it’s ‘Their Game’ or not. It’s the primal instinct to kill the shit out of your opponent that gamers have that drives them to play online. A real gamer will spit, scream, yell obscenities at the screen and eventually hurl their controller/keyboard across the room followed by a swift foot to the monitor. She will instil absolute fear in her opponent as she makes them wish they’d never teabagged her after her seventeenth death in that one round. She will respawn, and rain hellfire down upon them, stringing every word known to man together as makeshift ammunition, damaging the morale of her adversary with pants-shitting aggression, while also giving her boyfriend the biggest fearection he’s ever had.

Teabag me again, shit-blimp. I’d love for your balls to be within punching distance. Come here and fight me, fuck-waffle!

Basically, in the world of gaming, good sportsmanship is a sign of weakness. A real gamer knows this, and will smite the undivided shit out of someone who pretends to be what they are not. That and when all Gamers get in front of their preferred console they turn into Mega Bitch Queen/King from hell no matter if they’re winning or not.

What’s that ma? Auntie Mary’s funeral is today. No... I’m too busy to go.

1: Real Life Interaction:
This is the biggest point of them all, it is the first impression you get off of a gamer that you’ve never gamed with. And it’s the best way to tell apart a gamer, and a person that acts like a gamer to be ‘Different’. It may be difficult to believe (I can still hardly believe it myself), but occasionally gamers venture outdoors and meet each other in real life. They eat together, get wasted together and sometimes wake up naked at some Ladyboy Ping-Pong show in Pattaya five minutes before the insanity ensues.

Just like REAL PEOPLE!

Now I’ll let you guess what they talk about at such events… just say it out loud, NOW!
90% of you didn’t say anything (Bastards), but those of you who did, apart from looking foolish, probably said ‘Why, video games of course!’… Well, yes, that is half correct. Also I can totally hear your stupidity through this article.
I say you’re half correct because yes, obviously a community borne from a shared interest in an online game is going to discuss tactics and memories IRL (remember that one, Gurls?), but surely that’s all they have in common, right?

We also all wear AMAZING belt buckles

Not even close. Most hard-core gamers are full grown adults, with full grown adult problems. They still have bills, families (If they were lucky enough to be allowed to breed) and car expenses. Some are mothers and fathers of multiple children, others might be bachelors living alone with a cat for company (Story of my life), maybe a few CEO’s of their respective businesses, a few janitors thrown in and one or two celebrities. So what else would they discuss? The same things as everyone else. In-game, they discuss tactics, how to work together as a team and how to divide up their winnings at the end. A bond like that is a strong tie that leads to friendships and even more. So when they meet up and can talk leisurely, they’re going to want to know more about their new friends, now that they don’t have an undead dragon to fight. They can stop and get to know each other.

Friendship... and even more..

The Healer of the group is actually Phil, a labour worker for the construction company that the Barbarian Dennis currently represents. The Archer and the Mage are both in the same neighbourhood and would totally date if time (And Dungeon Raid Schedules) permit. That sort of thing happens to gamers, just like it does for everybody else.
How does this relate to Gamer Gurls? Simple. Anybody who fakes their way into a group will always try to impress those around them to enforce their admittance in the group. Let’s say I joined the mafia, on the pretence that I was a professional hitman/hitwoman (I haven't decided on my gender yet), and I was just sitting in a room with legitimate members of the Fibonacci Crime Syndicate, I would be so worried that they wouldn’t accept me that I’d embellish or downright lie just to feel wanted.

The prime minister of Sweden? Garrotted. Lobby man outside? Peeled his face skin off. Whatevs.

A Gamer Gurl new to the scene will talk about nothing but the limited gaming information she has been exposed to via general society. It will always be trivial information that Inuits with no electricity already know. But hey, we’re a polite community of people, right? Mostly. But I wouldn’t bet on just that because you may find yourself at the business end of a Gravity Hammer. 

Oh how cute, you thought that was a euphemism?

They’ll likely rattle off some fact about gaming, and just when she’s about to sound legit, she ruins it with the catchphrase of every Gamer Gurl; “Oh lulz I’m such a nerd, tee-hee!”.
This boils my blood more than Bob Reptilian’s bathing habits. Does the country’s leader finish every announcement with “Oh lulz I’m such a politician, tee-hee”? Of course not. It’s unnecessary and makes you look like a pre-teen pulling duckface at a public bathroom mirror. Laughing at being a nerd (Even if you are legit) is borderline offensive to all the gamers around you.
Nerds, Geeks and Gamers are three different types of people… sure plenty of people are all of those things, but they are different. A Nerd is an intelligent being who values academic achievement or progress more important than most other life objectives (Like friends and breeding). A Geek is someone who is a little bit creepy, plays games and collects paraphernalia of various niche things like anime, video games, porn or pretty much anything unusual (Dead things included). A Gamer is not necessarily any of those things. A Gamer is simply someone who plays video games, enjoys the open world with the similar respect someone like you would enjoy a book or movie. They share the passion with other like-minded people and also sometimes collects creepy neurotic memorabilia.
So why even fake that? (Seriously why?). Why not take the money they would have spent on clubbing and getting knocked up and actually buy some games and play them? Because they’re not actually interested. They play on the ‘Nerd Fashion’ and ‘Geek Chic’ because it’s ‘Unique’.

Wow Sarah! That’s one neat Pocket Protector!

This is the base of my hatred. I’m not sexist, I think men and women should enjoy games equally. But I loathe and detest those who fuck up what they think we look like, then act as though it’s ironic and alternative (Fuck Hipsters). Goths were tormented by Emo’s, Techno Ravers were raped to death by Hipsters and now Gamers are getting surprise butt-fucked by Fake-Gamers.

You can’t pretend to feel the blackness of my soul

However I end on a high note. Despite my anger toward those who take my genre in vain, do you know what Girl Gamers still have over Gamer Gurls? Skill. When it comes to the crunch, the fakes will flop, and the Girl Gamers will always triumph, a thing all Gamers strive to do with all things. So game on, fakers, game on.

Motorists

Alrighty so this is sort of a spur of the moment dribble of hatred.

I.

HATE.

MOTORISTS.

Now not all motorists are bad but the ones here in Melbourne are a special breed of  pants-on-head-stupid. At so much as a hint of wet weather or roadworks all of the road rules go out of the window and it is kind of like a free for all.

Red light what!?

My most recent hate experience happened this morning. I was minding my business crossing at the pedestrian crossing on my way to work when some dickbag in a brand new white BMW speeds through honking his horn at me and flipping me off, missing hitting me by all of 2 inches. Erm... excuse me fuckwit IT'S A PEDESTRAIN CROSSING YOU HAVE TO GIVE WAY TO ME! And then I'm left standing on the street looking like a crazy screaming at him as he's driving away.

Imagine, this is kind of how I looked

Although it probably isn't entirely their fault, when it gets hot here in Melbourne everything breaks down. I've encountered on more than one occasion when the traffic lights have a bit of a spaz day and just decide to turn themselves amber for a few hours and flash incandescently at everyone. Now you would think that people would calmly pull together as a team, sort this shit out and drive carefully and respectfully, especially when it happens in the CBD. But no. People suddenly act like the four horsemen just descended and it is their vital duty to fuck up everyone else like a noob tube in Halo.

Skills bro. You lack them.

Motorists are the biggest reason I don't drive. I am perfectly comfortable with MY abilities, it's just every other douchebag in his souped up WRX and his license he won in a cornflakes packet i don't like. This kind of leads to my public transport hate speech but I'll save that for a separate post.

Try-hard Geeks

So i identify as a Geek. I have a Zelda tattoo and a mustache, I stay indoors as much as possible and I get wet when I receive a new piece of technology. I have Asthma, severe OCD and a WoW account. I dream that one day when society permits me that I will be able to walk around dressed as my favorite video game character. Tell me I'm not a Geek.

O.M.G DID HE SAY ANOTHER SKYRIM EXPANSION!?

Now my issue is this. A few weeks ago I went down to one of the many local EB Games to peruse their wares (and find a cheap bargain because I'm poor) I found a game I had been looking for for ages, creamed my pants and went to pay. This is where some scumbag Hipster-Geek flicks the greasy hair of their face, glares at me and dribbles 'Oh cool geeky tattoo, did you become a fan recently'

...

I imagine this is how i looked when i responded

 

BITCH PLEASE! I have been a geek since i was 6 FUCKING YEARS OLD! I have had more games and bits of computers come and go through my sticky little fingers than you have hairs in your shitty hipster beard! I didn't stay inside all my teenage years and not have friends or a social life just so i could be cool in my early 20's! AND IF YOU TRY AND ASSOCIATE ME WITH SOME HIPSTER-GEEK I WILL CUT YOU!

I'm going to cut your stupid hipster beard

 

And right now I won't begin the rage on those stupid girls that put a pair of glasses on, pull a stupid face in the mirror and upload the picture to facebook tagged as 'lulz i is such a nerdz, i can haz Halo nao?!'... Actually fuck it I will.

I HATE THEM! Bitch putting a pair of glasses and some skanky clothes on does not qualify you as a 'Gamer Girl'. No gamer girl i have met 'lulz' or refers to themselves as 'nerdz'. Every gamer girl I have met is filled with such rage and hatred i can only describe it in a photo.

Nuff said.

 

GET OUT OF THE MIRROR

Can somebody please explain to me this shirt-lifting mirror pic thing? I don't understand is it like another of these YOLO things?

I'm not understanding this, is he showing us his pre-pubescent abs?

Dole Bludgers

So yeah, another day another dollar... or so it would seem. I absolutely fucking HATE people on welfare that thoroughly don't deserve it. I have had massive arguments with people in the past about the welfare system here in Australia (all the people sticking up for it funnily enough are on benefits)

This guy, we all know one

Now I don't give a shit if these people 'claim' to be on a disability or something, for fucks sake I go to work everyday with disabilities and function just fine. And this rant isn't just because i don't qualify for benefits, when I was a student living in the middle of bumfuck-idaho and had to pay $20 everday just to travel to TAFE I somehow didn't 'qualify' for just a travel allowance to get too and from TAFE. And then when i was living by myself, in a different state to my entire family working a 90hr a week job that paid $6.60 per hour I still didn't qualify for assistance.

What's that Sir? You don't have a Meth addiction? Sorry no benefits for you GTFO!

Now I love working. It keeps me relatively sane and occupied and I actually feel like i am contributing to society. I DESERVE the pay that I receive. Dole bludgers don't. Dole bludgers are just scumbag cuntholes that don't deserve a cent of what they receive. All they do is keep the flow of drug and assault charges flowing through our society and drain money like a leech out of our under-funded government. I suppose at least they keep the police busy.

This years winner of  'Cavity Search 2013'

 

 Almost all dole bludgers claim to be 'disabled' or a 'student' or 'knocked up for the 7th time'. Bitch please, if you were properly disabled you wouldn't be able to make it down to the TAB. And if you were a student you wouldn't be doing your 13th semester of Social Studies Cert II. And this 'Baby Bonus' bullshit, don't give the skanks cash you idiots, give them food stamps and coupons for nappies not money for a new fucking TV! 

 

Nappies? LOL WHAT!?

Regardless of how much I hate dole bludgers some people DO deserve to receive benefits. Like the retired who have worked their whole lives and deserve time off. Or students going through university studying to be doctors, engineers and (better) politicians. Or a cancer patient who can't afford treatment. Depending on the circumstance i thoroughly believe in welfare, but if it being used by fuckwit assholes that just don't want to go to work then tough titties get a job shitbag! Stop breeding more dole bludgers with your severely inbred missus and GET A JOB!

 Yeah, this is what is getting your hard earned tax money

Alrighty I have ranted enough about dole bludgers, have a good day shitbags!